OT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

[Jeff G.]

I felt the following to be so funny that I had to share it. First public mention was in http://groups-beta.google.com/group/alt.us...c8?dmode=source.

" NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and

thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the freeworld, we hereby give

notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over

all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with

the following acts:

1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75). Start

spelling English words correctly.

2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save The Queen"

3. Start referring to "soccer" as football

4. Declare war on Quebec and France

5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason

6. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby

7. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to

be

more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you

eat.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday, this has been replaced with

November 5th

9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6

weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.

10.Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the

change immediately.

11.Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport

and job allocation.

12. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber.

13. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the

Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.

14. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the

National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to

ensure the acquisiton of all revenues due (backdated to 1776)."

[chrisblore]

I first saw this about a month ago and couldn't help but chuckle . Everyone knows that the US and UK have a special relationship and that it's just a bit of fun (I hope )

[Merlyn]

Yes, I saw it yesterday and it is still funny today

thanks for the chuckle.

[bobbear]

I wonder if it's a variation of the one I sent to an American friend, (still a very good friend... ), on Nov. 4th. last year:

To the citizens of the United States of America :-

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus

to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will

resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other

territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister

(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until

now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a

minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and

the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year

to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a

British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate

effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then

look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at

just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be

reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter

'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to

spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love

affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize"

will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh

is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh

as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you

should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as

"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the

Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then

you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary

then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of

the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It

really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to

learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"

will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about

regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in

England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it

Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,

Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the

good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English

characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"

will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who

can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",

but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get

confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of

football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders

may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no

longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult

game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby

(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for

a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like

nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by

2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of

America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your

borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be

allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without

fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if

they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is

a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians

have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Sh*t". You will no

longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own

or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because

we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous

items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in

public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own

good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All

road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving

on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with

immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts

and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%

of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not

aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato

chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in

animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be

served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with

customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all

tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be

doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer

at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be

referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance

will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred

to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the

American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak

Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured

for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk

of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you

will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the

former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and

the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US

gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that

you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by

adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone

or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to

ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

I pinched it from a US computer help site so I accept no responsibility......